Nvc
Published: 04:10, Wednesday 03 August 2011
Notes
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criticism:
http://www.southwestfacilitatorsnetwork.org/articles/NonViolWord6.doc
interesting thoughts and good additions to the method
risks: inauthenticity, rule of speech, looping, subtle violence, pop-psychoanalyzing, not letting requests be expressed
theoretical problems:
critical thinking and moral judgement to be banned?
truth is more important than nonviolence
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dpk5Z7GIFs
do any of you know anything that's more fulfilling than to do that, to use the power we have in a way that contributes to people's wellbeing?
that's play
the game:
to contribute to people's wellbeing
the basics of non violent communication:
game of who's right
no more punishment, no more rewards, no more guilt
wild thinking: human beings are innately evil
jackal language makes it easy to be violent
language of moralistic judgement
make violence enjoyable
natural giving: anything we do in life that isn't coming out of that energy we pay for and everybody else pays for
we were designed to enjoy giving
we stay in the heart with feelings, don't go up to the head
don't use feelings in a violent way
never give them the power to make you submit or rebel
no human being has ever done something they didn't chose to do
the roots of feelings are needs
needs contain no reference to specific ways of getting the needs met
all needs are universal, every human being has the same needs, what differs immensely is the strategy that we have been taught with to meet the needs
we never really know what we want until we get it
christianity requires the willingness to sin courageously
we don't mix up our needs and a request
we have a need for love, not the need for a certain person to love us
love is not a feeling, love is a need
do you love me? when?
what would you like me to do to meet your need?
jackal definition of love: I want you to guess what I want before I even know what it is and I want you to be always willing to do it.
request: clear positive action
negative requests make violence seem attractive
requests not demands
But please do as i requested only if you can do so with the joy of a little child feeding a hungry duck, do not do as I request if there's any fear of punishment motivating you, out of hope for reward or that I will like you if you do, out of guilt, shame, duty, obligation.
request: I'm open to hearing yes or no. when we think that no will be the end of the conversation it's not a request
no is the beginning of a conversation, not the end
if you are making a demand be honest about it. "you don't have a choice"
always end a feeling with a request
take the responsibility of asking for what we want
labels lead to self-fulfilling prophecies
giraffe schools
not how nicely we say it, but how we treat people when they don't do what we want
reactions to a demand: submission or rebellion, and just say yes (the most dangerous)
bullshit in giraffe: I feel uneasy with your "ok", I wish I could trust it but I don't, I really would like if you took a moment to see if you really meet your needs by doing that
yes-saying jackal: he hears somebody he loves wants something and he feels he has to do it to buy love, to prove that he is a loving person
you never want to hear what an other person thinks!
never hear the thoughts
always use the thoughts as a window to the needs
especially what they think about you
people say only "please" and "thank you"
my needs are not being met, could you please do this to meet my needs
we need to know how to say that well, to survive in the world
we need to know how to say please in a way that makes it enjoyable for people to give it to us
how to receive
I'm in pain, because a need of mine isn't getting met
are you feeling ... because you are needing ...?
demonstrates that you value what's alive in them
doesn't need to be accurate
giraffes are not nice: most of violence in the world is created by nice people
lead yourself out of other people's needs: they can live without you!
don't need to say it, your eyes will be different
jackals try to fix people in pain
don't do anything that isn't play
don't do things for other people (?)
when she hears your needs and you hear her needs the solution finds you
never put your but in the face of an angry person
one need communicated, one need heard, one need communicated, one need heard
everybody's needs can get met
no need to compromise
if you agree on anything that involves giving in, both are going to pay
jackal lists:
how do you speak to yourself when you're less than perfect
jackal messages when you are angry at others
things you respond too agressively
things you are scared they might say and think about you
then
for each item on list
1: what have I done to stimulate this thoughts? what need am I expressing through the judgement?
2: identify what he has done to stimulate it. what needs are not met by it?
3: same thing for them, what you did to stimulate, what needs weren't met
connect to needs, needs are life
never hear an expextation (that's thoughts)
you don't want to live up to expectations, but it is fun to meet needs
all of our needs can be met
no in giraffe
never use "No" "I can't", "I don't want to", "I don't have time", "It's impossible"
no is a pure expression of a need
say the need that keeps you from saying yes
sometimes a third party is needed to give empathy to both sides so that they can hear eachother
giraffe mourning
(say sorry in giraffe)
identify what you say to yourself when you act as you don't like
inner educator for when we are less than perfect
make you hate yourself for what you're done
any apology out of that energy is jackal
punitive pain (guilt) makes it more difficult to learn
what is the need your inner educator is trying to bring to your attention, that you didn't meet by your behavior
what feeling comes from not meeting that need? -> sweet pain
I'm sad I didn't meet my own need of respecting and understanding you
instead of natural be habitual
first they have to stop hating themselves for what they did
never say "you don't understand me", say "thank you for telling me that that's what you hear"
enjoy suffering:
enjoy the other people's pain is one of the most loving things you can do
"I'm nothing"
release yourself from responsabilities:
I didn't cause the pain, you can't cause an other person's psychological pain (?)
I don't have to fix it. You can't fix it. The more to try, the worse it gets
just be there, with empathy. enjoy the precious connection with that person
so you'd like to ..., you feel ..., you are afraid that ...
the more they talk about the past the less they will resolve -> interrupt, talk about now
we don't heal talking about the past. talk about what is inside now
the same stimulus can generate totally different feelings in different people
not the stimulus determins the emotional reaction
celebration
back to our nature
the fuel comes from celebration
say thank you in giraffe
express gratitude
in jackal
you did well, you are a kind person... positive moralistic judgements are as violent as negative are
no more "thank you" for praise, compliments, rewards (inforcement)!
works for a short time until you see the manipulation
in giraffe: what have they done concretely? no generality
you never learn anything by being told what you are, and it's dangerous to believe it
as dangerous to believe you're stupid or smart -> makes you a thing
you're much more than both of them
what did you do, what feeling it caused, what need did it fulfill
sincere gratitude scares
also receive gratitude
deserve is a key ingredient of a violent system
"Nonviolent Communication and Corporations-Marshall Rosenberg"
started to study people who lived in a way I value
"I like your concept that we create our reality, but I'm sure you're aware that this can often be heard in a way that implies that we blaming the victim for their conditions so yes to a large degree: how we look at things and how we behave creates our reality, but of course we need to be conscious that to a large degree gangs create our reality. Some gangs call themselves gangs, multinational corporations, governments, and this gangs create a lot of my reality."
transform the structures
we need to communicate clearly what our life serving vision is
not get enemy images on the way
"we are not there wanting them to do anything except look for other ways of getting their need met that meet ours as well"
keep our consciousness on what's alive in us and what would make life more wonderful
religions
do not use moralistic judgements
judge not others, lest thee be judged
what's alive in us: needs
what would make life more wonderful: requests
strongest need: need to contribute to life
"they're getting needs mixed up with strategies and their real interest is in how to make profit"
"why is that?"
"well because for ten thousand years we have been educated to live within domination cultures in which a few people benefit at the expense of many, so people in these structures have been educated this way, they really see that this is the world for those in power to get their needs met and to use other in the service of their own needs."
destructive strategies to get people do what we want: punishment, reward, guilt, shame, duty, obligation
be conscious of what we are responsible for or what we aren't responsible for, otherwise we get blurring of boundaries or codependency
we're responsible for our intentions or actions
how others interpret our intentions and actions creates their feelings
I can control my intentions and my actions
the process doesn't need cooperation
hear feelings behind every message
the intention of nvc: creating a connection in which everybody's needs can get met
"we've been educated to maintain domination structures in which a few people dominate many and such structures require a language of domination, in which people at the top who claim to be authorities know wha't right, what's wrong, who's good, who's bad, because those judgements are necessary to determin who deserves reward and who deserves punishment. So we've been educated not to think of our human needs, to think in term of moralistic judgement."
the approach is never to get rid of something, but to be aware
violence: physical, psychological (whatever implies wrongness), institutional
loving wife has no needs
brave man have no needs
human needs are not nice
our needs never change
needs: life seeking fulfillment
sorrow: a need of mine is not getting met
"spirit matters"
distortion of needs
make us think we need approval
men an women have same needs
every label using the word "to be" dehumanizes people
language where there's no to be! how they would translate selfish: "marshall says he sees you take care of your own needs but not the needs of others, he would like you to take care of the needs of others too"
"the third (?)"
sincere gratitude: based on needs that are met
the purpose of schools: to educate the people to be nice dead people
"and this is what our schools do, because it's their job, to train people to work within structure in which they will work for praise, approval, salaries, and they won't look at whether what they are doing is polluting the environment, whether is it destroying the hiring, the work experience in other countries, exploiting other cultures"
life serving education
nicee
one student can teach the other
feelings:
positive:
angeregt
aufgeregt
angenehm
aufgedreht
ausgeglichen
befreit
begeistert
behaglich
elebt
berauscht
berührt
beruhigt
beschwingt
bewegt
eifrig
ekstatisch
energiegeladen
energisch
engagiert
enthusiastisch
entlastet
entschlossen
entspannt
entzückt
erfreut
erfrischt
erfüllt
ergriffen
erleichtert
erstaunt
fasziniert
freundlich
friedlich
fröhlich
froh
gebannt
gefasst
gefesselt
gelassen
gespannt
gerührt
gesammelt
geschützt
glücklich
gutgelaunt
heiter
hellwach
hocherfreut
hoffnungsvoll
inspiriert
jubelnd
kraftvoll
klar
lebendig
leicht
liebevoll
locker
lustig
Lust haben
mit Liebe
erfüllt
motiviert
munter
mutig
neugierig
optimistisch
ruhig
satt
schwungvoll
selbstsicher
selbstzufrieden
selig
sicher
sich freuen
spritzig
still
strahlend
überglücklich
überrascht
überschwenglich
übergewältigt
unbekümmert
unbeschwert
vergnügt
verliebt
wach
weit
wissbegierig
zärtlich
zufrieden
zuversichtlich
negative:
ängstlich
ärgerlich
alarmiert
angeekelt
angespannt
voller Angst
ärgerlich
apathisch
augeregt
ausgelaugt
bedrückt
beklommen
besorgt
bestürzt
betroffen
bitter
deprimiert
dumpf
durcheinander
einsam
elend
empört
enttäuscht
entrüstet
ermüdet
ernüchtert
erschlagen
erschöpft
erschreckt
erschrocken
erschüttert
erstarrt
frustriert
furchtsam
gehemmt
geladen
gelähmt
gelangweilt
genervt
hasserfüllt
hilflos
in Panik
irritiert
kalt
kribbelig
lasch
leblos
lethargisch
lustlos
miserabel
müde
mutlos
nervös
niedergeschlagen
perplex
ruhelos
traurig
sauer
scheu
schlapp
schüchtern
schockiert
schwer
sorgenvoll
streitlustig
teilnahmslos
todtraurig
tot
überwältigt
voller Sorgen
unglücklich
unter Druck
unbehaglich
ungeduldig
unruhig
unwohl
unzufrieden
verärgert
verbittert
verletzt
verspannt
verstört
verzweifelt
verwirrt
widerwillig
wütend
zappelig
zitternd
zögerlich
zornig
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